


Not Envy

by ivyspinners



Category: Star Wars Legends: Jedi Apprentice Series - Jude Watson & Dave Wolverton, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, POV Outsider, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-01
Updated: 2010-05-01
Packaged: 2017-12-06 08:02:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/733352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivyspinners/pseuds/ivyspinners
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Obi-Wan would not have left the Order for <i>her</i>, but he would have for another woman. She is not jealous, except when she is. Spoilers: Clone Wars s2</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Envy

I am not jealous.

I am a Jedi. A Jedi feels not anger, nor hatred, nor love. It follows that, without attachment, I cannot feel envy. I cannot be jealous of the duchess.

And I have never met the woman... But I _do_ know so much about her. The duchess, Satine of Mandalore. A peaceful woman; but beautiful, and intelligent, and strong. She's powerful speaker in the fight to end the monstrosity of the Clone Wars. Satine is able to sweep the violent conflicts that _have_ ravaged Mandalore under the carpet. She is respected by the Senate and by the Jedi. Satine inspires dreams, and passions ignite in admiring salute of the fire within the duchess.

I am not jealous. I can't have Obi-Wan's heart, anyway. We promised, long ago--a world of possibility slipping through my fingers as I turned my back on the pain in his eyes--to leave it all behind. And I do not regret it. I love the Jedi; exult in being one. I won't break that vow...

And yet...

When I see Satine and Obi-Wan outside the temple, talking... their closeness... the unconscious intimacy between them... it is so _clear_. Someone who has never fallen in love wouldn't notice; but I have, and I do. I cannot hear their conversation, but I can see. That desire. That unconscious love--it sings. Red threads bind those two, the Jedi and the duchess, a fragile, regretful, forbidden bond that means more than the only family he's ever known, more than the galaxy's soul. I know Obi-Wan, and I can tell.

I catch my breath, a part of me I had closed off long ago aching and crying. Fire flares somewhere deep inside, raging against my collected exterior. clawing to find hole in the barrier through which it can escape. Some aching wound offers up knowledge I do not want.

He would have left the Order for another woman.

He would not have even contemplated leaving the Order for _me_ , but he would have for Satine.

I am not jealous, but for a breathless, timeless, painful moment--before I turn away and polish another secret to hide in my heart--I am.

Then I remind myself that I am a Jedi; and a Jedi shall not know anger, nor hatred, nor love.

fin


End file.
